Take charge of my Life...right!

Diaryland is still working on correcting some things. So we are locked out! Boohoo...that's ok I suppose. Today my neck and shoulders are really tight! I woke up really stiff. I was in a strange position. All crooked and half on my side and half on my back. My head wasn't even on the pillow. It's funny. As soon as John gets out of bed to get ready for work, I just steal the entire bed and collapse all over it. When he is there, I'm pretty much stay to my side and sleep in a straight line. I was listening to the Rolling Stones, but my CD player just changed over to Soulfly. Quite the change!

I listened to Soulfly a lot yesterday because it matched the anger I was feeling inside. The anger and the fear. I'm so sick of that! I just want to get this job so I can go back to being happy. I know that new fears and uncertain feelings will come with the first couple weeks or months of this job, but those fears won't be nearly as large as the ones I have now. I have been watching "Starting Over" on TV a lot. Yesterday Dr.Stan was talking about depression. Sometimes the way the episodes coinside with things in my life is just beyond coincidense. He was talking about HIS definition of depression:

Anger Turned Inward

That made total sense! I have so much anger built up inside that's it has overwhelmed me and defined me. I feel as if I might be loosing it sometimes. Like last night John and I made a homemade pasta for dinner. He filled a pot with water. I scowled at how he did not put enough water in the pot. He insited it was ok, that any more water would use unnessesary energy. I had been relatively calm and soft spoken prior to this, but I just had this major mood swing in which I yelled: "I don't give a fuck about ENERGY!" Where did that come from?

I think it came from the anger and fear inside of me.

And I think the anger and the fear IS me.

And that's scary.

The thing that makes me the most upset is that the power to end this isn't within me. Heck, I'm not even the one who brought this upon myself. Who exactly is playing our lives? I don't think it is us. I think it is other people. It is not fair that where we go in life, the things we do, etc., are determined only in part by us. Other people have the final or initial say. Ex) you are FIRED! or Ex) We'll call you by the end of next week!

If it was up to ME, I would have NOT been fired. When I was ready to go, I would simply QUIT. Number two, I want this joblessness to end more than anything in the world. It's my life, so I should just be able to go out there and say: "I'm taking this job!" And it would be mine.

If our lives were our own.

But they are not.

And that's what makes me the most upset...the most scared.

So when I yelled at John, he yelled back and ran upstairs. When he came back down, he hugged me, and I couldn't stop clinging and almost started crying.

Earlier on in the day I had gone outside to clean up the yard (dog poo). It was so gross by the way. I almost threw up. Well, that goddamn rooster wouldn't shut the hell up. I bursted into the coop with the shovel and had visions of smashing the rooster until it DID shut the hell up. I smashed at the ground with the shovel, several times. The rooster puffed, the hens ran around flapping their wings. I didn't harm anyone, but getting that anger out was a huge release.

Dr.Stan said one way to beat depression is to follow a routine. Routine = accomplishment. Accomplishment = purpose. He suggested getting up, taking a shower, and walking around the block to release endorphins. If I took a walk around the block, it would most definately take a hour or more, but I do understand what he is saying. My routine these days is this: wake up between 8:30 and 9:30. Go downstairs, get breakfast. Eat at the computer while pissing away time until 11:30 or so. Take a fast shower before John gets home for lunch anywhere between noon and 12:30. At 1:00, go on the computer again. Watch Starting Over at 2:00. At 3, clean up around the house. 4-6ish, kill more time until John gets home. 6:30, eat dinner and watch TV until bedtime. Sometimes, we will go out for coffee and stuff. AHHHH....I can't TAKE this anymore! Change it, right?

Please see above.

It is NOT in my power to change ANYTHING!