Rants

I really liked the stripes on the other layout, but I didn't like how when you got farther down the page, it was just white, with nothing happening. I am going to change this one up after while. I have a lot of data entry to do today. I have work at the coffee shop tomorrow. Yesterday I felt like quitting that job, and I still kind of do today. I know deep down I don't fit in as a coffee shop worker. I'm too quiet and introverted. I asked John, last night, what he thought a good job for a quiet person might be. (other than data entry at home). He said "being a mom."

ahhh yesterday with the kids, I told him I didn't even know if I wanted kids afterall, but then my mind was quickly changed because our kids would probably be shy and quiet like us. I think I could tolerate my own because, well, I think it would just be a completely different situation and mind set.

We got some freaky loan summary in the mail today that makes NO SENSE at all. It says our loan is for $150,000 (the house we are buying is $185,000), and it also states that we are putting $35,000 down as a down payment. Who said anything about that? Ahhhh...this is nothing but a big mess. We aren't closing until Thursday now. I have never in my life felt so messed up and stressed. I just want all of this to be over. I just want to fit in with myself. Lately, I think I've been pretending to do things and be things just so I can try to feel happy. In contrast, I've just been making myself less happy by doing that.

That's one of the reasons I want to quit the coffee shop. But something inside (people pleasing?) is forcing met to hang on because I only worked there for a day, and it's a small town. Everyone would hear about it, and, when we move there, I could never step foot inside, and I would walk alongside hushed whispers.

Sometimes I think my place in the world is being some sort of crazy recluse, far away from it all.

ahh, yesterday was such an f'd up day. I am so pissed at my parents, too. I usually just sit to the side and wait for them to come and visit me and nod my head and smile with they give the reasons for why they can't. It has been since fucking November that they've been here. They are now saying they won't visit until we are settled into our new house. So they obviously don't give a shit about where I live now. They will never see this place again, and they don't care. They don't care about seeing our new place, either. If MY son or daughter was buying a place, I would be there down in FLASH to check it out! This is just rediculous. Then they call here, my MOM I should say (my dad NEVER calls me), and when they get the answering machine she flips out and the next day I am grilled as to where I was and why the machine wasn't on, and it's just like if you're so concerned and want to talk to me, why the fuck don't you come to see me? My dad doesn't work anymore, and my mom has this job where she gets 5,670,893 hours of paid vacation a year. Oh but who will feed their damn cats? And fuel is so expensive (don't buy big honking diesel trucks then!). And when they DO come to visit, they leave home on a Friday and will leave here on a Monday morning. But this is about them NOT visiting. Even yesterday, at John's sister's house, she was like, "How's your ma and pa?" and I was like, "Umm, I don't know. They never really call me or visit me anymore. I think they've forgotten about me." Yesterday was a day I just wanted to fizzle away. Even John's newly turned 7 year old neice was all asking about me dying so SHE could marry John. Then John was pushing her on her bike, and she was like, "Why is MELISSA here?" It's like, I know she's only 7, but telling John he's sexy and how she's wanted to marry him all along, and telling me that I could divorce him and get re-married because she had seen this lady on Oprah who got married 4 times! I know she's just a little girl, but OH WAIT! She's just a little girl! I don't think I was comfortable with the word "sexy" until I was 16 or something. God. Oh, she was flashing John, too, and she wouldn't refuse to stop. She was like, "I want to give you something you'll really like......" John was covering his head and telling her to stop, and, I was just thinking....I don't know waht I was thinking. I guess how I just wanted to get out there and come home. Then I thought all about what home has been lately (nothing but stress), and I didn't even know if home was what I wanted. I think I just wanted to melt away and seep into the ground.