time is tough, these days

I haven't written anything for April yet, and here it is, already the 5th of the month. I guess I have been pretty sad lately. I just don't feel happy about myself or anything I am doing. I recently took on the responsibility of being a mother to three newborn kittens. Their mother wasn't producing any milk. So far, two out of the three have died. I am left with on lone fuzzy black kitten named Ollie. Today, he is 1 week old. Worrying about their (now his) lives has been a lot more stressful than I initially thought. I have been staying up til midnight so I can feed them, then getting up at 3 or 4 am to feed them again. It's amazing how an interrupted sleep (even for 5-10 minutes) can offset the entire quality of sleep-time.

There has been a shift in the weather, too. It has been near 70 (on Sunday, it was 73!), and the air has been thick with an undesired mugginess. Our air conditioner doesn't seem to be working either. The remaining hundreds of ladybugs have now exposed themselves from their winter hiding places, have hit the poison on our walls and windows and ceilings, and flip over, wings spread, dead, all over the house. Sets of 10s rest on the sills of every window and every floor found beneath. It is sickening.

One of our other friends has become pregnant. It wouldn't hurt so much if I knew I was un-intentionally not getting pregnant, but also, I have been married for over three years now. I have been more than ready since age 19. I can remember several months after we settled down in our apartment, I rushed off to get a test, and of course it said "no" and of course I cried, and of course dozens more were taken, and of course those also said "no" but do you know what? I didn't cry anymore.

Now I cry when others are so fortunate.

I have found a way to deal with it (in my head) and it works, or so I tell myself it does.

Why else have I been sad lately? I have only been getting three hours of work a day (at $5.15/hr) because the company I work for is in a low-mail flow situation. I suppose SOME money is better than none, but tell that to the mortgage company, the credit card companies, the student loan companies, and all of those other companies that suck the income right out from under us.

My mind has become so cluttered with adult thoughts and stress, that I feel it has started to consume my physical body as well. I feel so sore and hidious. Last summer, I was light as a feather, floating on happy thoughts of $900.00 paychecks and green grass and shiny new lawn mowers.

If I lived by myself, I would probably have snapped by now. I would definately have given up all hope and would have shut down and slept and watched tv. I wouldn't have cared about the starving kittens out in the garage. Heck, I wouldn't even care about myself. But someone keeps me caring and keeps a flicker of youth within me. Someone shows me hope and guides me to believe that better days lie ahead.