A word of advice

Every now and again we will run into people we haven't seen in awhile, and the second question they always ask is, "So, John, what are you doing these days?" Assuming, of course, that means, "what are you doing for work?" And then the third question is ALWAYS, "and what about you, Melissa?" This was only semi-annoying when I actually had a job, but now that I don't have a job (and haven't for about 5 months), it is degrading, irritating, and, moveover, embarrasing.

So tonight I answered, "nothing right now." And left it at that.

The lady said, "ooh sounds nice! Where do I sign up?"

Not looking up from my notebook, I said, "no...it's not nice...not at all." This was said with a bitterness I didn't even know I was capable of. Even at the time I knew this didn't sound like me. I hadn't recognized that my situation bothered me as much as it must...

Dear people we see who ask me what I do for work:

PLEASE DON'T.

Attempt

Maybe I don't feel like writing after all...

It strikes again

I am eating another plain hot dog bun, not five minutes later. The taste of white flour would not escape my tongue, so it cried for more.

Sometimes, when I was in high school, my mom would make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a hot dog bun. Even though it was good, when I would first see it sitting there in my lunchbox, I would turn a shallow shade of pink.

Now I would really like it if my mom packed me a lunch.

When Hunger Strikes

I am eating a hot dog bun. A plain hot dog bun.

Why?

Because I was hungry.

Breaking and Entering

My mother-in-law was over this morning picking up some of our eggs for the food shelf. Sammie was trying so hard to get into the house. As John's mom was leaving (and carrying 7 dozen eggs), I had to pet Sammie and show her some love so she wouldn't knock all the eggs over, ect. I then booted her out and came back to the computer.

I almost couldn't believe my eyes! There is a window right next to my computer, so as I was typing away I saw this black and white blur jumping up and down. At first I thought someone else was here, but then I looked out more carefully and saw it was Sammie jumping and biting onto the (human) door handle. That little puppy must have been trying to come back into the house! She figured it out!

What a clever little thing (most of the time, unless it comes down to getting her cable wound around a tree...then forget it!)


John and Sammie last fall.

Brain Rot

My little space on the web. What should I fill it with? I love the Weakerthans. I forgot all about their CDs, then I saw Fallow sitting there on the shelf. Almost immediately after finding Fallow, I saw Reconstruction Site. I love showers, too. I have to take one NOW because John is coming home early for lunch. I guess his boss (not the lady boss, but the owner of the paper boss) is in the hospital, so John has to do some of the paper delivering in town. From there, he's just going to come home for lunch. I don't know what to make for lunch.

I had it in my mind to get up at 7:30 this morning, but I then found myself waking up at 8:30. Then I just kept drifting in and out of sleep and finally got out of bed at 9:10. It's almost 11 now. I just ate rice crispies about 45 minutes ago, and now I have to think about lunch.

Unemployment is rotting my brain.

HaroldandKumar

Last night we watched "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle." It was SO funny! I thought it was funnier than Napoleon Dynamite to be quite honest! At first I really didn't want to see it, but then we saw two of our friends, Elsie* and Mitchel*, (well, 3 since they have a baby now) in Target. Elsie said that Mitchel really wanted to see this movie, but she fought it all the way. But then he finally talked her into it. She said it was SO hilarious and that we HAD to see it! So ever since that day we saw Elsie and Mitchel in Target, I've really wanted to see it. And, after seeing it last night, I would really like to own it someday.

*names have been altered.

Pictures, Pictures, Pictures! And weird ones, too!

Since my post on November 30th, I have found a way to post pictures other than by the means of "Hello." It's called photobucket, and it's a website. It's free and the pictures never disappear. But this is boring talk. Onward with the pictures, right? My friend Julie posted a bunch of random pictures, and it really inspired me to do the same. So here we go!

This is a rather funny picture of me hiding in the background of my staircase spindles.



My cute little doggy making slurping noises.



After I took the above picture, I was like "That was a FUNNY picture!" And then she did this!



Our digital camera shoots out a dozen red lazer beams before it takes a picture. I think the red rays got to be too much for her cute little party eyes:



This is a picture of the spooky old windows in our house.



Prior to the follow shots, John and I had some shots of our own (espresso shots!!) So I was a little crazy. He was talking to his friend on the telephone. I took advantage of this and took some pretty funny shots. Here are the "best of's"



John with a cute little teddy bear who just so happens to be wearing rabbit ears.



Some of our food in our cupboard. No Indians in there...(reference to The Indian in the Cupboard). If these cupboards were magical such as Omri's, then I would have something to occupy myself with during the day, making plastic things come to life. Instead I just eat stuff.



Here's John and I. He was really on the phone. I was not. The phone I am using was our old phone that died years ago. Haha...?



The last picture is of both of us on telephones (mine dead) and me washing John's hair with a red washcloth. He was not very happy with me. I think I was scaring him!

Take charge of my Life...right!

Diaryland is still working on correcting some things. So we are locked out! Boohoo...that's ok I suppose. Today my neck and shoulders are really tight! I woke up really stiff. I was in a strange position. All crooked and half on my side and half on my back. My head wasn't even on the pillow. It's funny. As soon as John gets out of bed to get ready for work, I just steal the entire bed and collapse all over it. When he is there, I'm pretty much stay to my side and sleep in a straight line. I was listening to the Rolling Stones, but my CD player just changed over to Soulfly. Quite the change!

I listened to Soulfly a lot yesterday because it matched the anger I was feeling inside. The anger and the fear. I'm so sick of that! I just want to get this job so I can go back to being happy. I know that new fears and uncertain feelings will come with the first couple weeks or months of this job, but those fears won't be nearly as large as the ones I have now. I have been watching "Starting Over" on TV a lot. Yesterday Dr.Stan was talking about depression. Sometimes the way the episodes coinside with things in my life is just beyond coincidense. He was talking about HIS definition of depression:

Anger Turned Inward

That made total sense! I have so much anger built up inside that's it has overwhelmed me and defined me. I feel as if I might be loosing it sometimes. Like last night John and I made a homemade pasta for dinner. He filled a pot with water. I scowled at how he did not put enough water in the pot. He insited it was ok, that any more water would use unnessesary energy. I had been relatively calm and soft spoken prior to this, but I just had this major mood swing in which I yelled: "I don't give a fuck about ENERGY!" Where did that come from?

I think it came from the anger and fear inside of me.

And I think the anger and the fear IS me.

And that's scary.

The thing that makes me the most upset is that the power to end this isn't within me. Heck, I'm not even the one who brought this upon myself. Who exactly is playing our lives? I don't think it is us. I think it is other people. It is not fair that where we go in life, the things we do, etc., are determined only in part by us. Other people have the final or initial say. Ex) you are FIRED! or Ex) We'll call you by the end of next week!

If it was up to ME, I would have NOT been fired. When I was ready to go, I would simply QUIT. Number two, I want this joblessness to end more than anything in the world. It's my life, so I should just be able to go out there and say: "I'm taking this job!" And it would be mine.

If our lives were our own.

But they are not.

And that's what makes me the most upset...the most scared.

So when I yelled at John, he yelled back and ran upstairs. When he came back down, he hugged me, and I couldn't stop clinging and almost started crying.

Earlier on in the day I had gone outside to clean up the yard (dog poo). It was so gross by the way. I almost threw up. Well, that goddamn rooster wouldn't shut the hell up. I bursted into the coop with the shovel and had visions of smashing the rooster until it DID shut the hell up. I smashed at the ground with the shovel, several times. The rooster puffed, the hens ran around flapping their wings. I didn't harm anyone, but getting that anger out was a huge release.

Dr.Stan said one way to beat depression is to follow a routine. Routine = accomplishment. Accomplishment = purpose. He suggested getting up, taking a shower, and walking around the block to release endorphins. If I took a walk around the block, it would most definately take a hour or more, but I do understand what he is saying. My routine these days is this: wake up between 8:30 and 9:30. Go downstairs, get breakfast. Eat at the computer while pissing away time until 11:30 or so. Take a fast shower before John gets home for lunch anywhere between noon and 12:30. At 1:00, go on the computer again. Watch Starting Over at 2:00. At 3, clean up around the house. 4-6ish, kill more time until John gets home. 6:30, eat dinner and watch TV until bedtime. Sometimes, we will go out for coffee and stuff. AHHHH....I can't TAKE this anymore! Change it, right?

Please see above.

It is NOT in my power to change ANYTHING!

This really doesn't matter!

Diaryland is doing some maintenance stuff. I didn't go there to write; I went there to show John my post from earlier today - the one with the picture of MaxCavalera. But I can't even get to my diary! So I thought, "well, I can post something if I WANT to!" So I came here, to this abandoned blog. I deleted it in its original form, and, when I could not succeed in posting pictures, I abondoned it for a second time. But it will always be here, that I can be sure.