reflections

I don't think I've ever been so impatient for spring to arrive. This has to be the gloomiest February-March I've ever seen. April better bring on some green changes, or else! I don't know how much more of it I can take. It is so cloudy and gloomy and yellow-brown out there. Here are a couple reasons why I am looking forward to the arrival of Spring.

#1. John and I together, doing things. Days will last longer. Weather will be warmer. It wouldn't feel natural to be anywhere else other than outside, together:



#2. New Life. Not only will there be new buds of leaves everywhere, but the grass will turn a magnificant green as well. The skies will be blue, and new birds and animals will be born. Here is a kitten (named Regina) from our cat Smokey's litter (last Spring). She just had a new batch yesterday, so I'm hoping this will be a sign brighter and warmer things are on their way.



#3. Sprouts of green EVERYWHERE!



#4. John's birthday! I can't wait to help him celebrate again this year. :) Pictured below is no one other than myself last April, making John his birthday cake!



#5. Even though we won't be getting chicks this spring, I still hold this memory deaer to my heart. Before last spring, I never had the experience of an early morning phone call from the post office saying: "we have a delivery of chicks for you, ready to pick up!" I was so excited as I held the box of cheeping little lives on our drive home. It was so fun to watch them grow!



Here is another picture of one of our black chickens, as a baby.



Hurry up, Spring! Please!

winds

There is nothing quite like the sound of a symphonic band.

this is gross

I hate this time of year. It's going to rain soon, and the air is very heavy and warm but cool. This uninvited draft comes right into the house through cracks in the door and windows and makes the house very damp and icky. There's a magnificant breeze, so I opened the kitchen window with hopes of it circulating some fresh air inside. I also have the ceiling fan going. I don't know if any of this is helping. I also vacuumed a bunch of dead lady bugs, which made a terrible smell. It wasn't the usual lady-bug smell either. It was a very herb-y I don't know. That was nasty. So now downstairs smells like whatever that was. I've got a candle going and fans and stuff, but the air is still so dead and warm and damp. I showered, and I don't even feel very clean anymore. I can't wait until we are in a new house with new everything so hardly any outside air can come in, unless we INVITE it by putting a window ajar. I wish moving day was right NOW! And I really don't want to do any more work either! I suppose I should do it though...I want to be finished by the time John gets home from work. At this rate, that isn't going to happen. BLAH! ICKY WEATHER, I HATE YOU!

keeping in touch

I love duplex cookies and when my parents email me. Parents, please email me! I have already had my fill of black and yellow cookies.

jubilee

TWO purchase agreements have been signed!

spill

I stepped on a green crunch berry. I heard it grate down underneath my foot into our wool area rug. I stepped away in horror and looked at the green dust of what used to be a berry. I didn't know what it was right away, so I said: "what the hell...?" Was it some kind of strange insect? A bud of a plant? What scary thing could have turned up in our house now. It was only a crunch berry! I chuckled to myself and cleaned it up.

I am searching for a new template for my diaryland diary. I have been doing so for almost 3 hours now. Sickening. I know. My rump was getting sore, sitting on the wooden chair as I always do. So I went to "sit" on my knees on the carpet. Oh, I suppose that would be called "knealing" or however it is spelled.

I am a terrible speller. Once, in 7th grade during our class spelling bee, I spelled "MUSHROOM" wrong.

Anyway, as I was shifting positions, I kicked over my glass of water onto the same "crunch berry" rug. Water spilled everywhere.

Because we are, well, environmentally conscious, we do not have napkins nor paper towels. I thought there might be some from Subway somewhere, but no luck.

I just think it's funny that I spilled stuff so much today. And I've been in the same place since I woke up: at the computer.

Also, John and I used to spill kool-aid every night when we lived in our apartment. It was pretty funny.

I have news about what happened yesterday [good news], but that can wait. I wanted to write about crunch berries and water and napkins.

black bird pie

Diaryland has been messing with people lately. Deleting entries, ect., so I thought I would post the entry I wrote today in this blog as well...just incase it gets lost.

Several times a year a huge lot of black birds will fly into several of the trees alongside the road. They are all chirping like there is no tomorrow. I am sitting in the house, hearing all of this high pitched commotion. It sounds like I'm sitting in the Amazon or something. I like birds and all, but something about birds in numbers surrounding my house is frightening.

I remember last spring or fall I was going to go for a walk. There was a fork in a road. Down one way was a million chirping birds. The leafless trees swung back and forth with the thousands of bodies of little birds. The "leaves" of the trees were the black birds themselves. I thought. I'm big. I'm a human. (I much prefered this route). I can take them. But then I pictured all of the birds flying down and landing on me and chirping: HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT OUR CHIRPING FEST. Or whatever. I really was scared of all of those birds and where they might fly, and, more importantly, where they would land. Also: What kind of mood were they in? Attack mode? Happy not-a-care-in-the-world mode? So I opted with direction number two. I let birds control which way I was going to walk. It's hard to admit sometimes.

What else is scary is how a couple hundred would just fly up and away to another tree all at the SAME time in the same LOOPING kind of direction. It was fascinating, yet scary...how they dominate.

Last night John and I sat and planned for our meeting today with the mortgage broker. We had to come up with a list of all of our loans, residential/rent history, and an official selling price for our house. I thought back to that time I had to go to the unemployment place and how I got everything prepared and felt so confident. So I typed up everything John and I talked about into nice professional looking documents. John also was a saviour and found the House folder. That included all of the papers we signed when we bought the place, electrical and roofing cost quotes, room measurements, years and dates of the furnace, ect., proof that the septic is o.k., the water is safe...and so forth. Yay! Dave has been asking for that for some time now, so it's a good thing John found that. I would have felt like a complete dumbass at the meeting if they were asking for it, and we were like, "duuhh awww yaaa we couldn't find that yet..."

OH THESE people REALLY want to sell their house!

(That's what they would be thinking).

I also found some pictures of the house before we started taking out carpeting and linolium and wallpaper and stuff...I thought Dave would want to see that. I know I would DIE to see pictures of this house previous to our owning of it.

WELL, Since we have to leave at 1:00 to go to St.Paul for our meeting, that means I have to get going on my work. Depending on the time we finish the meeting, John and I might puruse the Cities for awhile.

A higher power must have recognized this meeting, because they only gave me ONE package of work. Usually I get two. Hopefully this means it is meant to be.

No hair, no place

I think I am starting to get sad about my hair cut. The last two days I have felt very un-feminine and ugly. I never knew hair could play such a big part in how pretty one feels. I always seem to get my hair cut around this time of year. I don't know if it's just a coming-out-of-winter thing or what. Maybe it is like a stir-crazy cabin-fever type of thing. Like I want to be freed from the tomb of cold and deadness so badly, and Sring won't come quickly enough, so I make an artificial sort of "Spring" by cutting my hair. I dont get it. Last time I did this I told John: Never let me get this super-short hair cut ever again! He likes it though. I guess when a man likes me with short hair, that must be a possitive sign. He calls it "the wedding haircut." Or something. I like it, but right now it just feels like my head is in shock. The hair is just kind of clinging there, clinging because it's afraid it will soon go, too. Don't leave me. I promise you, you will always grow out again. You are growing at this very moment.

I know it is just PMS as well. I always feel fat and blobby and ugly around that time. It's just that I will never know how long I will feel this way. Sometimes PMS lasts 2 weeks for me. I hate it! The pills are supposed to help. They do, somewhat. I always used to freak out and cry and throw things. In high school, I would try on a dozen different outfits, crying, because I felt I looked ugly and huge and fat in all of them. The morning would often result in me yelling at my dad as I rushed out the door, getting to school at the very last minute. There I would sit, in an outfit probably 10 times worse than the first one, feeling fat the entire day. Last year, it was not much different. I cried and screamed about being late for work. I threw a water bottle in the yard. My dog Abby found it and chewed the cap off before John could rescue it.

Right now I feel as if I'm busting out of all my clothes. I can't wear any of my jeans anymore because they feel so stiff and tight. I know it's all in my head. I just have to keep telling myself that. I almost got up at 6 this morning to eat some breakfast and then go for a 4 mile run. I always cry about how I should start running when I have PMS as well. That's how I know that's all it is. I probably should anyway. It never hurts to excersice.

I also feel like I'm out a diary. I don't have one anymore. Diaryland won't work for me anymore. Each time I update, I have to send a request their server to update me. THEN today I couldn't even add anything. I think I'm done there. I dont want to be because I really like it. Maybe it's better to only have one anyway, keep everything together, ect. It's 10:00, and I haven't started working yet. I better get going...

Coffee Cup Hat

The meeting with Dave went pretty well. I'm a little bit nervous and scared now, because the paperwork and the signatures have now been officially started. Looks like we signed papers for the yellow house and a tentative closing date has been set for May 1st of this year. That's pretty quick! Only one month! Of course that's only tentative. We can go in and change it and initial and there we go: poof - instant new closing date.

I was going to write more, but Mr. John has popped back inside from feeding the animals and is jibber-jabbing at me. :) It's time to make dinner, anyway. In addition, nstead of talking to the computer about all this, I should be talking to him! Poor little guy - I always ditch him for the computer! Before Dave came over, he was **Really** nevous, and here I am posting pictures of my hair cut! AHHH! Oh well, I suppose that might have been my way of dealing with it.

My home on Diaryland is still not working! Rat tards. Ha! Just kidding. So let's just "close" by saying Dave sounded almost a little bit hesitant about still buying our house!! OH NO! He was like, "so should we have the sale of the yellow house contingent on the sale of this house?" ((meaning we have to sell this one before we buy that one)). He checked no. ERRRRRRRrr???????????????????

Then we got to talking hours later. He was like, "So the mortgage guy will evaluate if you could theoretically handle TWO house payments based on your income."

UMMM THERE AGAIN NO! John and I laughed out loud and said NO WAY!

He went back and scratched off the above "no" to "yes." DAMN RIGHT! I think he was just trying to be official about it all (he was dressed up). So I'm sure it's all still good. I am praying this all works out! It's the only answer. I'm sure he was just trying to be official and theoretical.

John's listening to Pavement really loudly. "OH Yeah - i forgot this song was on here! this song's awesome." now he's playing air guitar and looking cute! So i have to go and kiss him!

Green Leaf

cut off

Yesterday was a lot of fun! John & I were just going to stay home and bake stuff, but we decided to go out and have some fun instead. The first stop was to get my hair cut. I know, I know...how could I possibly get my hair cut? It was pretty short to begin with. Let's just say I got it all cut off!

I had super short hair when we got married, and, since then, I've tried to have the cut mimiced by other hair cutters, but no one could match up (not even the same lady who did my haircut during the wedding-era). So I was pretty scared to get it done. I think the girl who did it this time cut it the best it has ever been (this short, anyway). She asked what made me deside to get my hair cut. I must have sounded pretty nutty when I told her I just didn't to deal with it anymore. It's the truth! I much rather have a cute fluffy short haircut than the crispy choppy uneven "short" cut I had been giving myself for oh so long. I felt a lot more confindent, too. We went to this "punk rock pizza place" :) ((it's not so punk-rock as it used to be, I hear....from my source - John, who used to be quite known in the punk-rock scene)). I swear, they have the BEST pizza EVER! The workers are SO cool, too. The guys have big beards and thick black glasses and ear plugs and messy hair. It's pretty cool to go there.

Once we took my parents there for my bday dinner. I think my dad was scared and worried when we first walked into the parlor. He used to think I was nuts when I wanted to be like the kids in orchestra and jazz band and he'd see a real "different" one and just chuckle. John and I go to these coffee shops out of town a lot, as well. They are always dark and "underground" (ha) and my dad refers to them as "dungeon restraunts." It's pretty funny. All in all I KNOW he's just kidding; I think he's proud of what we do and where we go. At least it's not dangerous and stuff. But anyway, yeah, when we took them there he just got this blank look of concern on his face...like, "where'd they bring us now???" Hahaha....turns out once we sat down, he just had a look of fascination and glory. So did my mom. My mom's more open to that sort of stuff though. WHen I used to live at home, like during high school, my mom and I -- ever Saturday -- would go on a dinner date to a "dungeon restraunt." We used to have the same routine. It was cute. We'd walk around the down. We had "code names" for some people (because they usually had one general charteristic that made them stand out - that charateristic usually became part or all of their "code names." The names probably had a lot to do with the fact that we really didn't know their real names). I miss my mommy! :( I miss my daddy, too! It's so tough to live 6 hours away from them!

But anways, I'm getting off subject. I felt very confident at the pizza place with my new haircut. I had the girl at the salon rinse out my hair so I could go around the rest of the night without being itchy and full of hair. So my hair was still wet and really spikey and messy looking. It awesome to feel so much air going around my neck and chin and stuff. I could even hear better. LOL. They only sad thing is that I can't wear my hip little knit hat with the teal flower because it would hide all of my hair. I would look pretty funny.

After pizza, we went to our favorite hot spots, including the CD place where we accidentally bought THREE cds. AHH! THat's ok. Good music needs no excuses. We bought an album by a group called "TheMountainGoats." They kind of remind me of an accousic-er Weakerthans. Ya! :) Then..oh yeah, we got an EP by a guy named MattPond. He had a full-length cd in the EMO section, but I never heard anything about him, so I thought Id play it safe with just an EP to start. I like it a lot! I didnt realize about 1/2 of the songs were covers, but they cover "WINTERLONG" by Neil Young, and I just adore that song and Neil Young is just a god and a legend to me. The third cd we bought was a used Pavement CD. Mr. John used to be a HUGE Pavement fan, but he didn't own any of their CDs because he always borrowed them from friends. Now that he really doesn't talk to those friends that much anymore, he was Pavement-less. I've been a fan of S.Malkmus for some time now, but never heard any Pavement. That was a treat for me, for us.

Anyway, lot of babbling, isn't there? Oh whatever. Today at 4, our best house-buying friend is coming over to start us with paperwork.

Here is a rather scary picture of me with the haircut. I took a shower at midnight to get any stray hairs off (that the girl might have missed), so I woke up with pop-up hair. This is from this morning, right after I woke up. So the hair isn't the best, and I look kind of odd in pajamas...



Next is a picture of john eating captncrunch cereal this a.m. He wasnt in a good mood because I kept taking pictures and he just wanted to eat and clean and get stuff ready for our friend this aft.



Next is my little baby puppy. She LOVES the camera. She should be a model for some dog catelog or something.

*#@%&$#@!!!

My routine internet time has been messed with. It usually involves AT LEAST 30 minutes play-time on the diaryland website, but something crappy is going on with their servers again. I don't know...I've been in a weird mood about these diaries lately anyway, so having diaryland fail doesn't really help all that much!

Crunch, Back to Work it is

I'm just taking a little break from work. I'm down the last 50 orders or so, and those always seem to drag the most. I just want to be finished with it all! John is home now, playing video games, and all I want is to sit next to him and let the weekend consume my time. Not data entry. The good news, well, two good newsES, are:

1. BIG SNOW STORM! (yay) so no delivery truck tonight. I get to stay home and keep cozy and not have to run around with totes and envelopes and exchanges.

2. I got my first pay check from YA today. It wasn't much ($200-something), which was payment for my training and payment for the first week of at-home entry. The check is made out to: Melissa [MY LAST NAME]/[MY LAST NAME] Keying. So it's like the last part is my company name. That was just too exciting. yaaaaay!! My 1st paycheck that I actually EARNED in about 1/2 year! INCREDIBLE!

I am a bit pissed off with our gas company. They are insisting we owe $380.00! That's insane! There's no way we can afford that! So we are thinking our options are:

1.send nothing and get utitily cut off
2.borrow money
3.send as much as we can and still have them riding our asses
4.use credit card.

Sadly, I think we are more intimate with Idea No. 4. :( Sorry credit card, hello higher monthly payment.

It probably won't equal $380, however, so it will be worth it. Just this one time.

MONEY SUCKS! MEAN COMPANIES SUCK!

GararararararrRRRRRRRRRR

Nothing else to write, really. So a weekend begins, snow falls, and money dwindles. That pretty much sums everything for right now.

How do I feel about all this? It should be obvious. Scared, annoyed [and on and on and on], happy, youthful. The last two come from my happy paycheck, the weekend, and the snow. So, for right now, I think I'm going to let those feelings prevail.

Fluoride in a School That Isn't

I have been thinking about elementary school today. I don't know why, but I've been thinking about the eerie feelings of my school and how it is now shut down; the ghostly echos of the children who once ran around, who had piloted their learning at this school, is no more. It is SO scary to think about.

Thinking about this makes me think about other events that occured while I was there. Memories.

I remember the first time I ever missed school. I was in Pre-Kindergarten. My grandmother had passed away. The teacher had said it wasn't a problem. The children were going to listen to studies on headphones. I could make it up the next day. The headphones were a bluish grey and white and stiff. I remember sitting against the wall, listening to whatever it was we had to listen to, thinking about my grandma, not really grasping the idea of death, let alone school.

I also remember my first "bad grade." It was also during Pre-K. I remember it was the ugliest thing I had ever seen. Probably the first time I felt bad about myself, too. I was so scared to bring that worksheet home. My mom had seemed so stern. Now that I think about it, I remember her face looking upset, but her mouth almost ready to smile. I bet she thought it was really cute. We put that worksheet up atop the refrigerator. It didn't go on the wall like my other assignments. I'd walk past that towering yellow appliance and shudder at the fact that such an ugly thing was sitting up there. My teacher's handwriting had looked so mean and fierce. If I remember correctly, there was a sad face at the top of that worksheet.

And then of course, I was reminded of the showers. The shower room was so terrifing. It was connect to the girls bathroom by a big wooden door. They were never used by us before, but even as a little girl, I would always wonder, "Who used these showers? Who were these little girls, and why did they need to shower? We never needed to shower." That big wooden door wasn't always open, either. On occasion, we would sneak in from recess to play that "Bloody Mary" game (the one with the mirror and saying it over and over again or something). Sometimes that door would be open. We would peek in, seeing the marble shower stalls, the janitor's mop. Other times, Bloody Mary would just end up chasing us around the playground.

There was also fluoride day. How scary and institutional was fluoride day? It made me sick. Arriving at school, I would often forget what day it was. It was just like every other day. Get off boss #4, and the later later years, bus #12, play outside until the first bell rang, climb up the marble stairs, creek across the hardwood floors, and then finally sit in the pink, metal desks with the wood chair and glazed wooded surface. But then the teacher would say it: "Line up for fluoride! It's fluoride day." Eeeew gross. It would always slip my mind! Our class would line up and walk down the stairs to the basement of the school, where the cafeteria was located. We would see the school nurse and the trays of pink liquid and plastic dixie cups. I can almost smell it now: a sicky sweet bubble gum smell mixed together with the leftover smell of the previous day's school lunch. As the line moved on past the trays, we would each grab a cup. Sometimes another class would already be in the cafeteria, swooshing away. "Just wait a minute, second graders," the nurse would say to us. Our teacher would file out of the cafeteria and stand in the hall and converse with the other class's teacher. No fair. We were trapped, holding our cups of doom. Oh how I hated fluoride. Sometimes I would just sit there, with that bubblegum crap sitting in my mouth. It was just too gross to move it around. I don't know if it was the taste, or standing next to a bunch of little kids swooshing and how we would hear the nurse count boldly and loudly and say, "ok done" and then see every kid spit out their fluoride back into their cups at the exact same time. How we would file out of that cafeteria and toss our smashed, spitty pink cups into a big garbage can.

I could go on and on about some of the weird stuff that went on during my first years of school.

But for now, the weirdest, scariest thought is that NewportSchool is no more. That makes me so mad.



p.s. Oh Great...

Things are Just Things

I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored.

It is now 6, and I've been alone for T.H.R.E.E. hours. I haven't been online the entire time, oh no, don't worry.

I listened to the music that makes me the most happiest in the world. I danced and sang along and talked to my mother and father on the telephone. I ate a blueberry bagel and did bits of nothing. I screamed happy words through the window to my baby puppy. I ate two peeps.

But now I am ready for my husband to come home. Not that I was ever ready for him to leave...

That's How it Was, Is

I am not in a good mood right now. I thought I would be okay with John going to record, but all in all, I am tired of being by myself. I haven't gone out AT all this weekend. It sucks. I am alone all week, so I look forward to the weekends being spent WITH someone. I was supposed to be in Michigan this weekend, visiting my cousins and family and their babies, but noooo, I couldn't go. It was my choice. We could have left here at 8 at night and gotten to Michigan at 2 or 3 in the morning. That just didn't make sense to me. AHH...there is nothing to do on this STUPID internet. I hate just sitting here not doing anything. I don't want to be in the house anymore. The outside isn't much better because it's melting out there. The lawn is a big muddy mess. Complain, complain, complain. It just doesn't feel like there is anything to look forward to. I'm also sick and tired of picking up dead ladybugs everyday. Granted, I'd rather have them DEAD than flying around all over the windows and lights and stuff, but still, it's annoying to see upside down ladybug carcasses all over the damn house. I wanted to go along with John, but then I'd just be a tag-along. I bet Josh would have thought I was really strange, too. He does anyway, so maybe I should have just gone and sat there and watched. It wouldn't hurt me to go for a walk. Maybe I should just walk to the town where they are recording. One time, John's OTHER band was practicing in a town 15 miles away. I was flipping out at our apartment, so I decided to go for a run. It was already dark outside, so I thought, "maybe I should just keep going and run to their band practice." I ventured out much further than I normally went but then decided "what would I do when I GET there and there are 5 guys practicing and see John's psycho wife come up the stairs?!"

"Um, hi honey? How did you get here?"
"I..." gasping for air, "ran...all....fifteen miles....because....I missed you.....and I didn't....want...to be alone..............any more." Then: drop to the floor.
"Ahh, guys, I think I should probably get going and bring Melissa home..."
AFTER WE LEFT
"God, isn't John's wife a whip?!" exclaimes band guy #1.
"Ya, where did he find her again?" questions band member #3.
"I think some small-ass town in Michigan," says band guy #1.
"I bet she followed him here and threatened kill him if he dumped her," comments someone else.

And the rest of band practice would be spent commenting and making fun of how I ran 15 miles because I couldn't handle a few hours by myself.

Sometimes I really wonder, I really do wonder.

Puppies and Jellybeans

I so want to name something that: puppies and jellybeans. Isn't that just the cutest two things put together? Don't know what it will be yet, but it will be something. I gave my puppy a jellybean earlier, and she licked the coloring from it and, several times, she would spit it out and pounce on it. I just thought that was the cutest damn thing ever.

I took a lot of pictures while on the "grid". (This will be our private joke now, even though it's just more clever than funny). Ha. I would love to post all the pictures I took, but some I want to remain secret. However, I will share just one.

Funny, How it Can Exist Sometimes

It's March 1st! Yay! This afternoon is going to seem like a long afternoon. John has a job interview at a dairy farm at 5:30. He figured he wouldn't get home until 6:30. Uggh. It's also my last day "free" from employment. Kind of. I have training tomorrow and Thursday to learn what it is I will have to do. The training is out of town, but I will never have to go back to that town because the job will be done right at this very chair in my house. Yay. Our mortgage payment has supposed to have arrived at the Chase Mortgage headquarters today, but we don't even have 1/2 the funds to send it off. Oops! We have til the 15th before there's a late fee, and now I'm just thinking, "late fee? Who cares!" It is very creepy to think about, however. Everything during the past 6 months or so has worked out in some fashion, so I'm not overly worried. At least all (most) of our other bills have been sent off. Bills suck.

I do expect this entry to be rather rambling and such. I don't know what to do this afternoon. The outdoors is calling me, sort of. But what can I do out there? Walk around on the straight and narrow roads that grid the farmlands? Hey, putting it that way sounds kind of cool.

Bye! (and she's off to walk the grids)