few more (and goodnight)

Old shoes forshadow yard work (Julie, remember those shoes and how how we all had Smokey the Bear shoelaces? The laces are still there!)



Ghost Dog (love the bottom two teeth)



Nature's Wallpaper

Green Leaf, Spring Filter

pretty water

The other day, I woke up really early to do some chores around the house. I was listening to hippie music, the sun was shining in, the windows were open, and the water from the well looked beautiful!

Old Posts before I even had Posts

I'm bored, and it's Saturday, and I'm not supposed to be alone. John's out with his dad somewhere. I would go outside or something, but I haven't showered yet, and I know I should go running. Maybe I'll save it for a bikeride for later. Bikerides are more fun anyway. Do I have any secrets to tell? I hate my hair with a passion. I murdered my bangs the other day. Now I look like some sort of monk or something, or some South American Tribal person. It's terrible. Why can't I just have long hair? Why do I always have to cut my hair to "make it look better." That's probably why it looks like shit. Because cutting it doesn't help to make it look better, it prevents it from looking better. I just want long hair one time in my life. By the time my hair gets to the length I desire, I'll be 25 or 26. Thinking about myself at that age is just unreal. I thought I'd be fourteen forever. I was reading some of my old diaries the other night. I can't believe how young and boy-crazy I sounded. If someone had called me boy-crazy back then, I would have stabbed them and would have been mad for several days.

Another thing I noticed. My parents were always like, "MELISSA! Listen!" I would swear to the Holy Ghost that I had been listening! I thought I was an excellent listener. The other day I found this tape of myself in 5th grade playing trumpets with my mom. My mom and Dad were talking to me, and I would just be making these silly noises. I found myself thinking, "Why didn't I answer my mom? She just said something to me three times!" I guess I really wasn't that good of a listener. Holy cats! Here's an example of something I wrote way back when.

This is from September 9th, 1995! I would have been 13, 8th grade.

"Today we had a cross country meet. It was in Mellen. I came in 25th out of 40 or 50 girls. My time was 14:16. It was on 1.9 miles. It was really hard. Yearbooks came in and I got mine. S.T.E.V.E! Yes rock! You know, Steve's in there! Karl is, too. But so is Josh! Oh! The picture of him is so the Josh that I had a crush on. His hair is beautiful! I miss him so much! I miss him. But now Steve won't even look at me! You know, I think I just miss last year. I hate one of my teachers! He's a real jerk! I want my old teachers and my old band! This one sucks I'm sorry to say! Do you know what's really annoying! The thoughts I have when I run. They are all so negative. Maybe it's all my saddness sweating out? Oh well. I guess I should sleep now; I have church tomarrow. We finally get to go upstairs."

Hahahahaha! That's so cute. Oh my! The next page is funny, too.

September 11, 1995

"Cross country is neat. That boosts my self esteem. Home and school is different. At home everyone's mad at me. Always negative about what I say! I'm confused! Today in English, my teacher hollared at me. I sort of cried even. I was telling Amy what I was thinking about doing for the commercial and he goes "Miss D., would you like to leave or STAY? Well, when I'm talking you be quiet! Ussually when someone talks I send them down to the office and have them tell him they were being rude. Is that understood?" I nodded. I wanted to run away, out of the room! Then -- I was getting my worksheet out and I couldn't find it! I knew I did it, too. Then, the teacher goes, "Melissa, can you tell me where the sentence ends?" (He knew I didn't have it). I told him I couldn't find it. He said "well, it's time to get organized! Get a folder!" Then he handed me a new one. I wanted to cry so bad! I NEVER got in troubhle like that last year! I wish I were in Denmark! AWAY from EVERYONE!"

Oh the fun times. I miss school, I really do! I'm just so happy to have all of these diaries. :)

Hurry up, driver!

I am gettin a little nervous because Mr. John is supposed to be here to bring me to the scary delivery truck!

I don't have a car.

Well, that's a lie. I have that white ford from the 1980s...the one with the breaks that don't work. Yay! I'm saved.

(sarcasm)

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. John hurry up! You left at quarter to 4 for your interview, and no interview I know of takes three hours. Where are you?

(I have to resort to brain waves via online since we do not own a cell phone)

Hmm...I suppose I could ATTEMPT taking the white car? I mean, we use it every now and again carefully. What I was really hoping for is that I would start typing this entry and then, half-way thru, I could be like, "OH! John's home now! WHEW!"

But he's not! No rescue. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those busy city girls with shiny new cars and papers flying everywhere and places to go (and ways to get there).

Last time I checked there weren't any subways or bus stops outside my house. I better talk to the county highway department. Who thinks I have stalled long enough? Is John driving somewhere worrying about getting home, as in "Oh no! Mellie has to be downtown in 10 minutes, and I'm not there! Oh I shouldn't have stopped for coffee! I KNEW I'd run into someone there!"

HURRY UP JOHN.

IF IF IF he gets home (and I'm not too mad at him), we might be going to see a band tonight. HURRY HURRY HURRY! I'm going to quite typing now.

Spring has Sprung

dandilion


our old farmhouse


give me "4"

Picture Holdover

I was just looking at all my April entries, and noticed I haven't posted pictures in a really long time!

I uploaded this one a few days ago, and he should definately NOT go to waste! HEART HEART HEART!

:)

I am currently taking pictures for an assignment (dland), and once I have some extra time, I will share some of those!

UNTIL THEN!

Eeee

It could be a perfect day today

if it wasn't for this work!

things

Well, the closing is indeed NOT today, but they are really bragging up May 1st. John hopes they realize that May 1st is a Sunday.

It doesn't really matter to me, just as long as I am informed!

We watched a super scary movie last night called "Darkness." It was really, truly scary. One of those where you lay in bed listening for any sort of noice and feel that someone (like a ghost) is standing in the threshold of the bedroom. The kind where you want to hide behind your pillow and under the covers and just when sleep is coming, the house creeks, or headlights revolve around the room or SOMETHING! AHH!

Thankfully, the times I am home alone are those of daylight!

news to us!

Unbeknownst to John and I, we are closing on Wednesday. John found out from an outside party that everyone is planning on this event to occur this Wednesday!

This Wednesday!

What!?

AHH! That's like, um, let me think.........TWO DAYS!

I am excited yet, really?

On Thursday we will no longer own this house? AHHH!

Preparation, people!

Yay!

Yay?

AHH!

An Ending

My kitten died today.

I am not sure what happened.

I do know that he loved to be sung to. In order to form a bond between the two of us, I would always prop him on my lap in his "boxer shorts blanket" and sing to him. It began with me singing the songs my own mother had sung to me, such as "You are my Sunshine." As I sang this song, he would stop his tears and listen. And, as I sang, I also remembered how my mom had made up her own songs for me. One day, I stopped singing.

"Should we make up our own lulliby, Ollie?" I asked him.

His little face looked up, his eyes showing recognition of me as his caretaker...perhaps even his mother. I could tell he was in love and content and happy, and as he purred, I continued to talk about the song we would write.

Even though his physical body is now underground by the lone blue spruce on our property, the love for his soul remains in my body. I know we are still connected in some fashion. Our bond had begun to be spun, and now, for you, Ollie,

One more time.

"Ollie's Lulliby"
(Sung to the melody of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star")

Ollie's sleepy, Look at him!
He just had his din-din.
Shut your sleepy little eyes.
We don't want to hear any little cries.

Ollie's sleepy, Look at him!
When he wakes up,
he will have din-din.

Goodnight my perfect kitty.

question

Does anyone else hate it when your favorite songs are featured in movies?

frustrations fixed today!

I have an earie feeling right now. I'm not sure why or what it is. I woke up early to feed the kitten and decided to stay up for the rest of the day (usually I go back to sleep until 8:30 or so).

#1. I'm sick of finishing my work at 6-7 in the evening

#2. I always used to be a morning person! Even during summer vacation in high school I would get myself up no later than 7:30. Sometimes I would even wake up before my dad! My mom would already be at work. I would spend the day watching talk shows (Maury and Rikki Lake), riding my bike, reading, playing the piano, computing). Now my days are limited to the same stupid routine of non-fun things to do. Like working! And getting stiff shoulders! And not excersising! And watching TV! I'm tired of it.

So today and from this day forth, I will always arise early and stay up, get an early start on my work, start running and going for walks again, and everything in between (which would mean work, I suppose).

Signed,
Me

Yesterday was John's birthday, and I ruined it by working late and feeling fat. We were going to go out for dinner, but I cried in the bedroom about none of my clothes fitting. I was mostly crying for John because I was being so self-centered and ruining his day. He was upset with me, and I don't blame him. We ended up renting a movie called "MadHouse," which was pretty damn scary, but one of those I'll need to see again because it had one of those trickster endings...the one where you're like "WHAT? BUT? HOW?"

I told John that when kids have birthdays on the weekdays, their parents usually give them the option of having their party/celebration the weekend before or the weekend after (or so in my cases anyway). I told him, it would be the same for him. This weekend would be John's Birthday Weekend and we will do nothing but fun things all weekend long!

And I will do nothing but begin to run and stick with it so I can stop complaining and my pants that actually FIT (they used to be on the loose/too bit side, and that's how I LIKE them!) will return to their normal state. GRR!

all blues

I am listening to "All Blues" by Miles Davis. The rooster is crowing his head off. I was about to mutter curse-words about his stupid crowing, but something else caught my ear.

His crow is exactly in tune with "All Blues." The CD is playing and his crow is near perfection in its placement alongside the music.

Now...I could turn my annoyance into something bigger and better!

And marketable!

Stripe, the Jazz Rooster!

He could perform on street corners by art museams along with this CD. We would hit it big and never again would I complain about his harsh cackle!

crappier entry than i had planned

Today was one of the neatest days I have experienced in a long time.

John and I stayed up late last night re-watching the movie "Thirteen." I love that movie, by the way! It is very captivating and artistic. We had seen it several months ago, and, after seeing it again last night, I was reminded of how good it actually is. Perhaps some day I will own it.

We woke up twice during the night to feed Ollie. He was having some tummy troubles yesterday and the day before, so we started diluting his formula. He seems a lot better today! I think instead of looking at the big picture (i.e. Ollie will develop teeth and someday play and sit on laps and climb over the furniture and we'll get him his shots and declawed, and, oh yeah! I hope he makes it!), I will instead think of it as a day to day process. As long as he is here today and makes it tomorrow, I will be satisfied. And, when the day comes for those other things, I will appreciate them as they occur...not look forward to them. I think that will help to make me be a lot more calm about this situation. During the times of his problems, I was crying and screaming and violent...very stressed. I do not need that.

But anyway...I guess I am full of words today. It was a beautiful day. I slept in until 10:30, when John had to leave for his hair cut appointment (He received a crew cut, and it is very sexy!) It rained all night long and into the afternoon. That wasn't such a good thing for our roof, since it desperately needs re-roofing. Rain soaked through the attic and has created a new spot on the ceiling in the hallway. Luckily, this is the only spot we have seen created since we've moved here. It made me very uneasy and sad, but happy at least soon we will be getting away from here and all of the problems!

I picked out paint today! Oops! Let me go in order here!

So, John got home from his haircut, and I hugged him and danced and gave him compliments. (Much deserved compliments by the way!). Then we took showers and ate left-over pizza from our Dominos celebration last night.

And then we went to the town where we are going to be moving to next month (hopefully that sentence makes sense!) A new coffee shop opened up! It was amazing amazing amazzzzing! They restored the brick building to look old fashioned (because it is!). the walls were a beautiful yellow and laquered (sp) brick. There was a cute gift shop upstairs! It was so fantastic (not to mention John and I had perfect capiccinos and americanos!)

Then we went over to a glass shop and an antique shop! I bought an old photograph of a family. They were so captivating. We went all over the town, to be frank and quick (my dinner is ready!)

I can't wait to move there! It's a small town, roughly 1,000 people. I talked to people I have never met and they were very accepting and nice! I can't wait! I can't wait!

Oh, and the paint color I picked out is called "Green Apple." It's for the guest room. And we went to see "Guess Who" at Mr. Spooky's theater!

Later, my bean burritos are calling!

Stole this from Julie

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

15% Upper Midwestern

15% Yankee

5% Midwestern

0% Dixie

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

oddness

I have been coming here A LOT lately for the sole purpose of running my mouse over the links.

It is very fun to come here and do that. Weird, but fun.

chocolate silk!

I could not wait any longer to finish my 1st batch of work so I could enjoy a cold glass of chocolate soy milk. It is a treat for us. (Choco Silk!) But it is the BEST! I like it better than choco cow milk. Now...if only I could teach the cows how to enter in rebates...Well, I guess I'd have to buy me some cows first. I suppose I could steal some from some farm...Be right back. HA!

needs

Yesterday I had the opportunity to look at the abstract for our property/house. It was so neat to see, in the 1850s, where the United States of American signed the property over to the very first owner. I found out that a guy named John lived here when the house was first built. I wonder if he built it himself? I also learned that, at one time, three ladies lived here together because they inherited the place. How interesting! I wanted to remember their names so I could try to talk to any ghosts that might remain. Unfortunately, I talked myself out of it. This is a very friendly place. I wouldn't want them to think that I was mocking them or get them mad.

Because of its age, and my mind-set at the time, I used to associate Bright Eyes's Fever/And/Mirrors CD with this house. It just had the whole feel of the house down to a T. I have been wondering what music might fit the new house. It almost has a Weakerthans feeling. I don't know...

I want to go crazy with that house. I had wanted to go crazy with this house, as far as decorating and painting, but we had to wait for other things to get done. If we happened to get a new basement, the plaster walls would probably crack and re-settle, and what would the point of painting them BEFORE that be? I had also wanted to paint the wood floors upstairs. Currently, some are grey, some are tan, some are brown. I thought the dark brown or grey looked the best. The hallway is a peachy color in one part and a light purple/pink in the other. I wanted to make it all the same, like a fantastic bold yellow color. I wanted to paint all of the bedrooms white, to keep them clean and fresh and uniform. Downstairs, I had wanted to remove all of the paneling and paint the study a brick red...the dining room and living room the same color...to make them flow together. I wanted the kitchen to be blue or purple. But, again, all of this had to wait until certain things got taken care of.

Those things never happened, and they were beyond our control.

But the new house! The walls are all white and smooth and ready for creation. I'm excited! I went into Pier 1 the other day and saw area rugs and pillows with fancy ribbons...and silk placemats! I want to go crazy with all of that and make the house fabulous.

I bet the three ladies who lived in this house felt the same way as I do. This house would have only been around 30 years old, so it was pretty much tip-top. They probably went crazy with the wallpaper and linolium and paints and made a fantastic home. They probably oogled over things in the stores, tapping each other and saying, "oh I want this! Wouldn't it look great in our house?!"

It's funny how people from different periods really do have so much in common. I wish I could meet everyone who lived here/owned the property (over 80 acres at one time!) and tell them I appreciate them and their house and that I think about them every time I look around the house. I want to tell them how sorry I am that we didn't stay here...how we LOVE it here and it's nothing against them, and how I wanted to be part of the history longer than this....like will the property to our own children...buy MORE of the surrounding property to restore it to its original amount...that we believe in the beliefs and standards of the past and are against all of this SUBDIVISION CRAP and how we just wanted sheep and stuff to graze as the cows had...how sad we are that the barn is gone and that the previous owner tore down all of the outbuildings. I want to ask them about their memories...if they danced to flapper music or entertained guests in the parlor...what meals they cooked...what their Christmasas were like...if they rode in those really old cars with the skinny wheels. Who planted those ancient cedar trees out front? The big tree behind our house? The one we picnic'd under while working in the house before we actually move inside? I want to see pictures...the old fashioned ones with the entire family staring blankly at the camera outside, in front of the house standing tall and new, with its thin white wooden siding. The children! Running around in their little clothes, carrying fading rag dolls...I want to see it all, even if just for a second before I leave.

When we first moved in, I used to lay in bed, upstairs, stiff with fright. I would close my eyes and see pictures of people I did not recognize. They would just appear in my inner vision, and I wouldn't even have to think about them. They would be just...there. I heard that some spirits communicate in that way. They send messages or pictures to people. Maybe it was trying to get me to see who they were.

I see who you are, but I would like to see more.

tear drops

The rescued kitten named Ollie has been crying a lot both yesterday and today. I have a feeling why: his eyes are beginning to open. Imagine how scary and weird that must be? To all of a sudden have a part of your face rip open and then be able to see weird lights and blurred objects. Just imagine this happening and not evening knowing what "seeing" is. John notated that it's probably twice as scary for Ollie since he doesn't have a mommy-cat who could explain to her babies what is happening. During a feeding last night, I tried my best to tell him what was happening...in English of course. At least I tried! I fed him about 15 minutes ago. His eyes were about 1/2 open -- 1/2 closed, so I could see a bit of blue but no pupil. That looked creepy...made him seem like some sort of monster or something. I was putting his food away; he was screaming on the kitchen floor. When I picked him up, a big blue eye was poking out of his head. At first I thought all of the crying might have made it explode, but, after getting used to a face with an eye, I was able to determine HE JUST HAS HUGE EYES! Big blue eyes. One is still partially closed, but the other one is now fully opened.

I just can't stop thinking about how odd it would be to live 2 weeks blind as can be and then one day your eyes just start to open. It's no wonder he's been so full of mews lately.

Awww...my kitty is growing up.

who wants pictures? i do!

It's going to rain soon. The sky looks grey and heavy and thick, about ready to explode with rain drops. Today has been a SUPER lazy day. Last night, John and I went out for pizza and coffee. We heard a musician. I felt really bad for him because there weren't a lot of people at his show. He ended up quitting early; John talked to him and made him feel welcome and wanted. I was happy for that. He was really talented but made so much effort to talk to the audience and no one would talk back to him. I hate when things like that happen. Then we went to the grocery store to buy some much needed produce items and flour. By the time we got home, it was well after midnight. I had to feed the kitten, so by the time we got all the groceries away and whatnot, it was well after 1:00 am when we went to bed. So we slept until 11:00! :) We got up and had breakfast and watched part of the movie "Shine." I adore that movie. When I was preparing myself musically for college, I had wanted to be JUST like David when he went to the Royal College of Music. He was so obsessed and crazy and such a mess outwardly, but musically, well, he was just a big ball of music. That's what I had wanted.

John is taking a bath now, and I'm listening to the CashBrothers. I still haven't showered yet! And later we have to do our taxes. I'm SURE hoping we end up getting $$$ back this year. Last year we owed over $300! That sucked ass, and we had to borrow that money from my parents.

Layout

Hi all. I'm at John's place of employment at the moment, enjoying (?) the fast speed internet. There are a couple things I'm not enjoying. No. 1 - This newspaper joint uses Mac computers (I have always been a Windows fan). No. 2 - The Mac computer will not read my digital camera disk (I have super cute pictures of the 11 day old kitten). No. 3 - MY LAYOUT LOOKS REALLY MESSED UP IN THIS BROWSER! It is Explorer for Mac, and I just wanted to know if it looks screwy to everyone else. I use Mozilla at home, and it looks FINE there. So I don't know. Maybe it's just because I'm using explorer on a mac!

big foot

I love hearing new stories! Last night, John and I went to town to drop off my work. We were contemplating going out for coffee and to different department stores for fun and games, but then decided we were both really tired and, after all, we have this little baby kitten in the house that needs to be fed every 4 hours or so. So...we decided we'd get a movie. Let me just say that we live in a really small town. There are two video stores, but one we boycott, well, because JOhn just always has. So, the other store, well, we've seen everything there because we rent movies so much. So we decided to drive on over to the even SMALLER town (where we will be living really soon) and rent from the grocery store over there. Brilliant! They had two rows of DVDs we hadn't seen yet! So we rented this one movie called...um "Blessed" or something like that. It starred Austin Powers's sidekick Felicity Shagwell. :) She gets pregnant with Lucifer's babies, or something. It was pretty scary, but the ending could have been way scarier. We also got a movie called "Easy," which was a shown at the Sundance Indie Fest. It's about a girl who gets caught up in a love triangle. We're going to be watching that shortly.

But anyway, back to our excursion to the video store. We decided to take a cruise around the town. We rode by "our" house. Then John took me on some dirt roads in the woods/ravine/river area. It was dark out, and the only lights were our headlights and yard lights from distant farms. It was then that he told me this story about a gorilla man that haunts the woods! It was SO far fetched that I believed it! I LOVE town legends like that. There's also a legend of a ghost that haunts an old brewery around these parts. I should totally do a coffee table book on town legends.

I remember my mom telling me of her high school days when her gang would all go out searching for bigfoot and how scared they would get. Big Foot...in the U.P. Hehehehe...

Later on today, we are going to John's place of employment. He's working on a big project and didn't have time to finish it yesterday. I am going along so I can play on the DSL connection and not on this dial up.

Have a great weekend!

changing colors

I can't help it (this is the last post for April 7th, I promise!); changing colors is SO. MUCH. FUN.

I was re-reading some stuff I had written and couldn't help but notice that after awhile, my eyes went completely buggy because of the indigo and pink color scheme.

So I made it better. :) I also changed the colors of the links and stuff, and it just seems very happy and colorful and hex color codes are the neatest. Gotta feed the kitty and go to bed!

One more time. I don't want that strange guy to come over at 9!

Hit with an overwhelming excitement!

It is just dawning on me how excited I really am to be moving into a new house. Not new as in new-to-me, but it really is new new new! :) Granted, it is 50 years old, but it's still new. I know that doesn't make much sense, so let's just un-water it down and say! It has been severly re-done and the result is NEW NEW NEW!

I went through a couple boxes tonight, boxes left unpacked from the LAST time we moved (almost 2 years ago). It was so much fun! I found cute little notes and drawing and pictures! I found transcripts from the college I attended, along with a congratulations type of note saying I had made the Deans list. The things from within the two boxes I looked at seemed so playful and innocent. I really hope that playfulness was a result of happy times and simple pleasures. I think that's what I'm mostly looking forward to. This house will make our lives SIMPLE again. We can pay off all of our student loan bills (it will be like we never went to college!). We can pay off our three credit cards (it will be like we never bought that $800 digital camera, or that turquoise danelectro electric guitar with the sparkles, or the mandolin, or the dogloo, or the pet taxi, and ON and ON and on!

More importantly, I am looking forward to decorating a new place! Where will the couch go? Can we possibly buy an entertainment center for the TV and stereo; will our coffee table be rid of all the electronics that lay upon it? And, since I won't have my built in cabinet anymore, can I get a cute little bookshelf for the cookbooks and antique dishes to put in the dining room? The guest room! I want to make it SUPER funky so all my guests will feel very special! Maybe a great color on the walls and some cool paintings or tapestries. I can hang my fishy plaques in the bathroom (they have been sitting in the closet upstairs ever since we moved into this house). What else am I looking forward to? The floors! The hardwood floors. Yes, this house has them, but they are old and tattered and stained. The ones at the new house are only about an inch wide and are creaky and a golden yellow color. I am so excited to put our area rugs down and watch them bring the room to life.

I'll miss our house though. I'll miss everything it once represented. I'll miss simple things, like the history it holds. How the sun sparkles in through the 100 year old windows. The crooked clothes line I can see out the window by the kitchen sink. The cement stairs to the front porch, growing moss because we never use them. The Tuna tree. The Mound. The birdfeeders. The staircase. The dreams and visions of how I wanted this place to look!

I am just so excited! I can hardly contain myself! (oh, one dumb thing is a guy is coming over here at 9 am tomorrow morning to do an audit/appraisal for the buyer. Guess who has to deal with him? Me! I think that's crappy. I don't want some guy coming over snoopy in every crack of my home. Oh well. I guess it has to be done in order to move on).

August 2004...The month I got fired

It all went down hill from here. It so shouldn't have. But I let it.

I will if you will...

Melissa at 22, where are you, or what have you done with yourself? Forgotten pictures can be instant reminders that we've drifted away from the person we were happy with being, and can at least give us a clue as to where we would like to return. Starting today?

stop

John, please don't drive the car into the river.

Hearing you say that makes me so sad.

I thought we could be happy together, even if the world around us makes us want to feel differently.

I guess all that is just a fairytale. Feelings are feelings and they will affect us all the same.

time is tough, these days

I haven't written anything for April yet, and here it is, already the 5th of the month. I guess I have been pretty sad lately. I just don't feel happy about myself or anything I am doing. I recently took on the responsibility of being a mother to three newborn kittens. Their mother wasn't producing any milk. So far, two out of the three have died. I am left with on lone fuzzy black kitten named Ollie. Today, he is 1 week old. Worrying about their (now his) lives has been a lot more stressful than I initially thought. I have been staying up til midnight so I can feed them, then getting up at 3 or 4 am to feed them again. It's amazing how an interrupted sleep (even for 5-10 minutes) can offset the entire quality of sleep-time.

There has been a shift in the weather, too. It has been near 70 (on Sunday, it was 73!), and the air has been thick with an undesired mugginess. Our air conditioner doesn't seem to be working either. The remaining hundreds of ladybugs have now exposed themselves from their winter hiding places, have hit the poison on our walls and windows and ceilings, and flip over, wings spread, dead, all over the house. Sets of 10s rest on the sills of every window and every floor found beneath. It is sickening.

One of our other friends has become pregnant. It wouldn't hurt so much if I knew I was un-intentionally not getting pregnant, but also, I have been married for over three years now. I have been more than ready since age 19. I can remember several months after we settled down in our apartment, I rushed off to get a test, and of course it said "no" and of course I cried, and of course dozens more were taken, and of course those also said "no" but do you know what? I didn't cry anymore.

Now I cry when others are so fortunate.

I have found a way to deal with it (in my head) and it works, or so I tell myself it does.

Why else have I been sad lately? I have only been getting three hours of work a day (at $5.15/hr) because the company I work for is in a low-mail flow situation. I suppose SOME money is better than none, but tell that to the mortgage company, the credit card companies, the student loan companies, and all of those other companies that suck the income right out from under us.

My mind has become so cluttered with adult thoughts and stress, that I feel it has started to consume my physical body as well. I feel so sore and hidious. Last summer, I was light as a feather, floating on happy thoughts of $900.00 paychecks and green grass and shiny new lawn mowers.

If I lived by myself, I would probably have snapped by now. I would definately have given up all hope and would have shut down and slept and watched tv. I wouldn't have cared about the starving kittens out in the garage. Heck, I wouldn't even care about myself. But someone keeps me caring and keeps a flicker of youth within me. Someone shows me hope and guides me to believe that better days lie ahead.